A few nights ago at work, a customer put his feet up on the table. Drinking his beer, telling his jokes, feet on the table. After I told him to get his frigging feet off the frigging table, I laughed with coworkers about all the crazy crap people pull– we pick our noses in public, we correct your grammar in front of other people, we make fun of someone for having lousy music taste.
When I’m feeling particularly self-righteous and haughty my favorite refrain is “Oh, I would never do that!” And the list, at least in my mind, is kind of long. So many things I would never do, I’m perfect, I do everything like an angel. But of course that’s not true and I got to thinking of some of the awful little crimes I commit.
- I never give wedding gifts on time. Never, never, absolutely never. The worst offense was two years between wedding and gift and I was in the wedding party. For shame.
- I chew with my mouth open and talk with my maw full of food.
- I plagiarize jokes. If you said it and I think it’s funny, I’ll be saying it a week later to someone else and won’t give proper attribution.
- I’m a closeted know-it-all. I smile and giggle and act like I’m totally open to other people’s ideas, but I think I’m right all the time, and I pretend I know what I’m talking about it when I really don’t.
- I gossip too much. I will talk behind your back. I don’t mean to, I hate it, I usually won’t say something I wouldn’t say to your face, but I’m eternally sixteen years old when it comes to talking a bunch of shit.
These are terrible, I know. But I swear for every capital offense I commit, I try not to do something else equally damning. Maybe these will guarantee my entry past the pearly gates.
- I don’t talk about my dreams. You don’t care, you’re not interested, I see your eyes glazing over when I describe my high school teacher wearing the clown suit in Mississippi with the cow and the car and there was this guy and wow, it was crazy.
- I never ask for free drinks. I don’t go to a bar or restaurant and expect anything for free. Even bars where everyone knows my name, I promise I’ll never, ever, ever be that doofus to giggle and bounce and ask “Is this on the house? Tee hee, tee hee.”
- I don’t leave urine on public toilet seats.
- I give up my subway seat to little old ladies and pregnant women.
Okay, so maybe I’m not too, too bad. There might be hope for me yet.